A friend and I recently discussed how our individualist society has caused social etiquette and community to disappear. I’ve been fortunate to have traveled extensively and I have lived in another country so I can see pros and cons of cultures. Also, married to a Persian, I have seen a very positive practice of hospitality and reciprocation in friendships. Given my exposure to other cultures, I have happily adopted some of those traits; however, I found myself becoming resentful of people that seem to lack those traits. As my friend pointed out, many people just don’t understand that certain behaviors can be rude or offensive to others.
An example of my revelation: for over 10 years my husband and I made the long drive north to visit family and friends in my hometown of Minneapolis. In the beginning I made a lot of effort to visit everyone that I could. However, after four or five years of driving all over town to visit people and exhausting myself, I started to wonder why I was making so much effort for people who didn’t make much effort to see me or contact me during the year or while I was in Minneapolis? During the time that I moved from Minneapolis, only a couple of people ever bothered to visit me or even call me. Besides a small group of friends and family, I never received much reciprocation in the relationships. For example, when a friend found out I was in town, she said, “come over we are having a barbeque with our friends and please bring what you want to eat.” Seriously? We just drove 1,110 miles and how you want to connect is to have us drive another 40 miles to see you while you are partying with your friends and we bring our own food? So needless to say that was the last time I called her.
Another example: I had a prior work friend that I had lost touch with a number of years ago. We were close at that time and I valued her friendship. We happily reconnected and I met her new husband, who I also knew previously and who was looking for a job at that time. My husband and I invited them over for light dinner and drinks on one occasion. I also helped my friend’s husband connect with people in my company for positions. And at least one other occasion we invited them to a party at our house. In the Persian culture if you are invited to someone’s house, it is rude not to reciprocate somehow. Bringing over a bottle of wine for the event isn’t enough. If you have been in someone’s home, especially multiple occasions, you need to invite them over to reciprocate. So I’ve been Persianized and I’m not sure if people nowadays are so self-centered that they are truly ignorant not to know better, or are they so rude that they simply use people when it serves them? This couple has recently re-surfaced because the husband is looking for a job again. Now I know it is next to impossible to stay in touch and stay connected with everyone in your network but clearly there is something wrong when you get invited to someone’s home multiple times, you disappear and never reciprocate the invitations and then only resurface when you need something.
So I have a chip on my shoulder because I feel our society has become so self-centered that people only invest in others when it is convenient for them or they want something from them. Relationships should be invested in a balanced way. I see too many takers trying to use the generous ones. What ends up happening is those givers realize they are getting used and they stop giving. It is a vicious cycle people! We all need each other but if you are in unbalanced relationships, taking and never giving, the scales are unequal and the relationship will fail.
So if it is really ignorance, please find some social etiquette and relationship tips:
- Thank and reciprocate. When you accept an invitation such as for dinner or party, make sure you call them or email them a thank you the next day. After a few weeks or month, reciprocate the invitation. If you are invited for dinner, invite back. If you don’t like to cook, then take the people out or order food (on your dime). If you cannot afford to take them out or if you are a horrible cook, let them know that the friendship is important and you want to show your appreciation by offering something else in return like dog or baby sitting. They may say, “Please, that isn’t necessary,” but you should do something anyway.
- Make sure the scales are balanced. If you find yourself always at someone’s house or them paying for the bill all the time – that is not balanced. If you find yourself asking for help all the time and never giving anything- the scales are not balanced.
- Look at your intention. If you are spending time with someone just because you think you can benefit from getting something out of that person, that intention is unbalanced. Getting to know someone because they are smart, interesting, funny or creative – all starts with commonalities and good intentions. Getting to know someone only because you think they have money or connections that can help you, starts the relationship with unbalanced intentions. Your intention is solely to take from that person and it starts as you wanting to use that person in the relationship – that is unbalanced.
- Show gratitude. If someone has given you help, time, caring and you don’t express sincere gratitude, it is very unhealthy for you and the relationship.
- Be honest. If you screwed up, acknowledge what you did and apologize. Why is it so hard for people to say “I am sorry” ? Seriously if you have messed up, stop lying to yourself and stop blaming someone else. Look that person in the eye and say, “I messed up. You mean a lot to me. I hope you can forgive me.” It takes a bigger person to apologize than it takes to huff, puff, storm away and end a relationship.
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